Monday, August 12, 2013


Ok, here's reason 5,004,502,942 why being tall sucks.

People always assume I know what's going on, or that I have some kind of mythical sense of what to do next. 

"Jessie, what is this £50 extra we have to pay?"  I don't know. I got the exact same info you did about it, at the exact same time.  There was no additional info in my email, I'm not particularly financially minded, so I can't really even understand the email any way.  Why you think getting me to explain this unexpected charge will be helpful for anyone is beyond me.  Just- call the fucking company. seriously.

"Excuse me Miss, how far is it to the next petrol station?"  Um, if I had a car/was familiar with this part of town I MIGHT be able to help you. I don't have a car though, so my knowledge of petrol stations is limited to those that happen to be on my bus route. I'm also not familiar with any part of town that you might think I should know about. I still manage to get lost in the town I grew up in, so you can be well sure that I have no clue where I am at any given point in time.

"Where are we supposed to go to check our luggage?"  I have no idea. Maybe instead of asking a total stranger who is obviously a fellow traveler, you could find someone who works at the airport and is actually able to be of some assistance. Also, take me with you, because I too need to check my bag and as I said before, I have no idea how.

I suppose height is equated with intelligence or leadership, or maybe us tall-ies are just the first people to draw the eye. Either way, PEOPLE OF EARTH- HEAR ME! I am totally clueless about most things, most of the time. So please stop asking me for help, because I'll ruin us both. Now please help me figure out where to go, because I'm lost too.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

British TV shows Americans should watch

In no particular order...

1. Peep show
2. Extras
3. Miranda
4. Fresh Meat
5. Father Ted (ok this one's Irish)
6. Mrs. Browns boys (ok, this one's Irish too)
7. That Mitchell and Webb look
8. Fawlty Towers
9. Red Dwarf
10. Doctor Who

Sunday, April 21, 2013

First Dates

So for all the single ladies out there... Here are some weird first date moves that have actually worked for me.  Not that I'm happily coupled up or anything, but i did land a second date.

1. Proposing.  I once told a guy I needed to get married in order to get a visa to stay in the country, and I'd be very much obliged if he'd consider the idea. I'd be happy to pay his electric bill.  He was both intrigued and nervous. He didn't marry me, but he did text me the next day. Win.

2. Showing him the 500 photos I have of my cat on my phone.  Probably not a good idea if your date hates cats. Mine happened to like them, as well as birds of prey. Luckily I had a few photos of owls on there too.  I realised mid-way through the cat slide show that this was probably weird and a turn off, but he assured me it wasn't, and my quirks were actually working for him.  Yesssssss.

3. Asking him point blank if he likes me.  I had no idea where I stood with this guy.  He seemed happy enough to sit and chat, but I wasn't sure if he wanted to bother seeing me again. So I asked, and he answered.  Luckily his answer was, "yes, do you like me?" and we made plans to go out again then there. Boom.

4.Wearing bobby pins on my bra beneath my top so the ends make it look like I'm nipping. hard.  Ok, this is not one of my prouder techniques, because it has everything to do with nipples and nothing to do with anything else; but we all remember the SATC episode where the fake nipples draw lots of attention, and I found myself a cheaper, easier to disguise version.  Long bobby pins.  I caught several pairs of eyes, not just my dates, not very subtly eyeing my goodies all night. It's amazing what drawing attention to your breasts can do- and may I add, the hard nip is a far more subtle way to go than throwing loads of cleavage in the guys (or girls) face. He may not have known what my face looks like, or even remembered my hair color, but he remembered my number and dialed it within the week.  done and dusted.