Monday, January 30, 2012

Lassies reply

So this past saturday I attended and participated in my first Burns night supper.  I ate haggis (tastes like stuffing mixed with ground beef) and did a speech. Traditionally there is a lads toast to the lassies, and the lassies reply.  The gist of each toast is to make fun of the other gender.  It can rhyme, but doesn't have to. I was asked to do the lassies reply, and here is what I said....

"First I’d like to thank our friend Jon for so charmingly and delicately bringing to light so many aspects of woman’s character. Not many men have the courage and ability to be so forthcoming and tactful at the same time.  So thank you Jon, not only have you made it clear the areas in which men struggle to find common ground with women, you have also shed some light on why you are over 40 and have never been married.

When Rowena asked me to provide the reply for the lassies tonight I was hesitant.  I love men.  So many men work all day, from 9-5 to provide for their families and then come home and put dinner on the table and sort out the house and take care of the kids and….oh wait-that’s women who do all that.

Well, men are great at other things.   I never like to go on a road trip without a man in the party. I hate to say it ladies-but men really are better map readers.  Only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling a hundred miles.

Men also have gumption!  When women get depressed we go shopping, or eat chocolate, we call our mothers on the phone. But men! Men invade neighboring countries and impose their own culture and government on a foreign people.

My only real issue with men is that they age so much better than us women. it’s a well known fact girls, that men become more attractive as they age, while our beauty just fades.  Hair that used to grow on their heads starts to sprout in a variety of new and exciting places…like out of their ears and noses.  The chest hair that marks a virile man and makes women weak in the knees begins to spread and becomes back hair as well. Years of sports and hard work begin to show on their bodies as knees and shoulders begin to give out, giving them a distinguished and sexy limp or stoop.  Yes ladies, we are the lucky ones.

All joking aside, I'd rather live with men than without them, especially the ones in this room. To the Lads!"

Short, and not so sweet, but entertaining I think.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Guantanamo Bay

So a while back I said I'd do an experiment and see if crazy or bitchy worked better on men folk.  I decided to go for crazy first, and it did not work out.

Him- So where are you from?
me- Not canada.
Him- Yeah? Which state?
Me- one of the ones everyone knows.
Him- You're going to make me guess?
me- yep.
Him- Give me a hint.
me- We all love guns. I don't own a gun but my dad used to take me to a shooting range. I have great aim.
him- well, fuck I'm a bit out of my depth.
me- Yeah, probably.
Him- You're from the south?
me- yes...
him- Texas? Louisiana? Tennessee?
me- Texas. You're welcome.
Him- So you have great aim...should I be careful then? If I piss you off will you shoot me?
me- No, I wouldn't shoot you. I'd report you to Obama and he'd deploy 10,000 US troops to track you down and then we'd have you locked up in Guantanamo bay.
Him- Well I'll be sure and avoid your bad side then.

I haven't heard from him since then. So next I'll be bitchy. I'm not really sure how to go about it. I'm thinking over confident and condescending?  any way...stay tuned.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Tyra Banks

I'm feeling egotistical. I imagine this is what tyra banks feels like all the time. So this blog is a collection of things that have been dedicated to me by friends.





Sunday, January 1, 2012


1. Watch more cat videos on youtube.
2. Plan and then win a moon walking competition.
3. Burst into song in a random public place and get a crowd of people to join in.
4. Quote song lyrics and comedians like its my own material at least 3x a week.
5. Watch from season 1 to the very end every episode of LOST.