Guantanamo Bay

So a while back I said I'd do an experiment and see if crazy or bitchy worked better on men folk.  I decided to go for crazy first, and it did not work out.

Him- So where are you from?
me- Not canada.
Him- Yeah? Which state?
Me- one of the ones everyone knows.
Him- You're going to make me guess?
me- yep.
Him- Give me a hint.
me- We all love guns. I don't own a gun but my dad used to take me to a shooting range. I have great aim.
him- well, fuck I'm a bit out of my depth.
me- Yeah, probably.
Him- You're from the south?
me- yes...
him- Texas? Louisiana? Tennessee?
me- Texas. You're welcome.
Him- So you have great aim...should I be careful then? If I piss you off will you shoot me?
me- No, I wouldn't shoot you. I'd report you to Obama and he'd deploy 10,000 US troops to track you down and then we'd have you locked up in Guantanamo bay.
Him- Well I'll be sure and avoid your bad side then.

I haven't heard from him since then. So next I'll be bitchy. I'm not really sure how to go about it. I'm thinking over confident and condescending?  any way...stay tuned.

Tyra Banks

I'm feeling egotistical. I imagine this is what tyra banks feels like all the time. So this blog is a collection of things that have been dedicated to me by friends.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y68PtGGluaQ&feature=related

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10100313158395157&set=a.798710421047.2423214.29600152&type=3&theater

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=508993103609&set=t.29600152&type=2&theater

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.511039381117.2013791.29601983&type=1

NYE

RESOLUTIONS FOR 2012
1. Watch more cat videos on youtube.
2. Plan and then win a moon walking competition.
3. Burst into song in a random public place and get a crowd of people to join in.
4. Quote song lyrics and comedians like its my own material at least 3x a week.
5. Watch from season 1 to the very end every episode of LOST.

Scottish Men

Scottish men have so far been total dip shits.  I am now going to transpose an actual text message conversation that I had with one last night to give an example. 

Our young subjects name is going to be kept confidential, so I will call him D. Ouche.  I met D. Ouche at a friends party and he seemed nice, chatty, and generally ok. After exchanging numbers and receiving a few boring, "sup?" texts, the following conversation transpired on a boozey friday night...

D. Ouche- "What are you doing?"
Me- "Celebrating."
D.Ouche- "I thought you had a party?"
Me- "I did, we are after partying."
D. Ouche- "Oh right so where are you now"
D. Ouche- "No chat then?"
D. Ouche- "you are very quiet"
Me- "I. Im drunk. I'll talk to you later."
D. Ouche- "Really. Where are you?"
D. ouche- "Well you still there?"
D. Ouche- "So where are you?"
Me- "your momz house"
D. Ouche-"What are you talking about?"
Me- "Willis"
D. Ouche- "Yeah willis. So what then?"
D. Ouche- "what are you up to?"
Me- "I'm having tea with your mom. She's got the kettle on."
D. Ouche- "What the hell are you talking about? So you feeling good then?"
D. Ouche- "You still there?"
Me- "Your mom makes a great cuppa."
D. Ouche- "What the fuck are you goinng on about?
D. Ouche-"well"
D. Ouche-"Anything to say?"
Me- "yes. so many things. Manchester. Kernel. Blend."
D. Ouche- "Ok you have lost me? Where are you really?"
me- "Gandolf"
D. Ouche- "can you just tell me"
me- "soup town. soupton."
D. Ouche-"Are you horny?"
D. Ouche-"what"
D. Ouche-"well"
me- "ahhhhhh. dip shits. how do they find me?"
D. Ouche-"what dip shits?"
me- "you know"
D. Ouche- "no I don't know what you mean"
me- "power hour. Shower. tower. glower."
D. Ouche- "Why are you saying weird things? Are you not horny?"
Me- "nnnnnnoooooooiiiooooooooooiiooooooooooooo"
D. Ouche- "How come no then?"
Me- "you're a duck." (side note: I meant to write "dick" but got auto-corrected).
D. Ouche- "You are so quiet."
me- "You are stupid."
D. Ouche- "How am I duck? Why am I stupid?"
D. Ouche-" well are you going to tell me?"
D. Ouche- "Whatever"
me- "you're a liar and you think  i don't know what uoure alla bout."
me- "but i know."
D. Ouche- "haha ok then how am i liar?"
D. Ouche- "what are you saying?"
D. Ouche- " go on explain."
D. Ouche- "what do you know"
D. Ouche- "what"
then I get about 8 more messages of him begging to talk to me. If anything I've learned that the meaner I am to a boy the more he wants me.  I've decided that men are either attracted to crazy women or bitchy women. I'm having a hard time deciding which one i should start being. Crazy might be easier as its my natural inclination until someone pisses me off. I don't think  I'm the right kind of crazy though. I'll experiment and let everyone know what works.

Home Sweet Home

Would it be totally lame if I quoted song lyrics in this blog?  I'm pretty sure it would be lame. I'm not an ironic hipster, and I'm not an artistic poet so I can't really pull it off either way. I'll just say I've been enjoying sleeping at last lately. Their songs are a little bit heavy on similes but otherwise nice and good for the weather we've been experiencing.

I'm super excited about Christmas this year for 2 reasons. 

Reason 1:  IT MIGHT SNOW. It will be my 2nd ever white Christmas. The first was when it snowed in Corpus for the first time in a thousand years and some guy had a stroke of Genius and sold the snow on ebay for $6000 or so.  This time there will be more snow, and it will probably last more than 2 days. 

Reason 2: I WILL BE IN NORTHERN IRELAND.  My delightful friend Arlene invited me to spend Christmas with her in Bally castle, right near the Giants Causeway; which consequently is on my bucket list of places to see.  There's also a night in Belfast in the works as well as possibly meeting some other northern Irish friends. 

Giants Causeway

And now for some serious stuff.

“The foolish person seeks happiness in the distance; the wise person grows it under their feet.” -James Oppenheim

I have moved every three or four months for the past 3 years.  It started as a way to have a little adventure and excitement. I like a change of pace sometimes.  My constant travel quickly became an expensive and ultimately useless coping mechanism. If I didn't like myself, or my life, I'd just walk away and start  over. It has taken me 27 years to realize I can't run away from myself. It doesn't matter where I go.  A new place doesn't make a new me.  In the end I'm just the same girl in a new a country and its just a matter of time (usually about 3 months) before I fall into my same old patterns. Which I hate. I am only just realizing this, though it must be painfully obvious to everyone else. I am here for the next 2 years.  The last  couple of weeks have been exceptionally hard on me because I was beginning to feel the need to get away from myself. But I can't. I have commitments, I have loans!  So I suppose I am either going to have to deal with this-or get exceptionally fat as my other coping mechanism is something I like to call "escapism through cheese and carbs." So I have some work cut out for me.  I'm not going to lie-it feels a bit like hopeless mission. I've never turned down a self made challenge though, and I don't intend to start now. Damn me and my goals.

Sheer boredom

So I should be doing research for my essay but instead I'm looking up words in the urban dictionary. Being the narcisist that I am, of course I looked at my name first. Here is the definition I find most fitting of "Jessie."

	Jessie	91 up, 36 down
	Jessie is a sex goddess. Boys and Girls bow down to her feet as she passes. If she speaks to you, you will be blessed for life. She is sex on legs and a genius on two feet all in one. everyone wants a piece of Jessie, but only one man can look into her eyes and see the true sensitive, wise, selfless person she is inside. Many men just see Jessie and want to fuck her, but Jessie's man sees so much more. Jessie is Hebrew for "gift" because the holy Almighty put her on this planet not only as eye candy for the rest of the pitiful simpletons, but also to bring peace and love to the planet.   You will not believe it, but Jessie spoke to me today. Her words were like a song to my ears.     The funniest one is number 7. Its about stardust and flames. Pretty good stuff. So being a student again I've reverted right back to my old ways of procrastination and stress.  My study foods have changed though.  It used to be triscuts and cheese or microwave chicken. Now its tuc crackers and whatever spread is on sale, or tea and biscuits.  Either way I'm probably getting fatter as I type.

Letter to "the man"

Dear Royal Bank of Scotland,
I have a few suggestions for improving the customer service of your business.  I hope that you are able to take a few moments to hear some simple, cost effective, efficient solutions to a few major issues affecting both your bank employees and the customers whom you serve.

Firstly, I would just like to inform you that you either have trained monkey's, idiot savants, or robots (sans artificial intelligence) working in all of your bank branches.  I understand why proof of address and proof of ID are necessary.  I'm even willing to jump through a few hoops to provide you with a few different ways to prove who I am and where I live, but the "people" you have working for you are so terrified?  Stupid? incapable of logic and reason?  That they won't even take a VALID PASSPORT as proof of ID.  I understand that you want to make sure that those of us claiming to be students are actually students, but not having my student ID card, but still presenting you with a) a Visa valid for 2 years b)a letter from the University on Uni letterhead and c) A Loan statement from the US and Scottish Governments should be efffing proof enough.

Secondly, stop telling people that they can expect their debit cards in "3-5 buisness days."  I waited 3 weeks for mine, called your bank, had the one that had been delivered cancelled, and had one resent to a bank branch. It has now been about 2 weeks...or 10 buisness days, and still I have received no debit card.  If you had been truthful in the first place then maybe we both could have saved ourselves some time and effort, and I could have used the debit card that showed up 3 days after I cancelled it. 

Finally, please tell people to go online and register for digital banking immediately instead of having them wait for 5 weeks for a letter in the mail that is totally unnecessary because the effing code that we are waiting on is just freaking handed to us during "registration" and then we have to wait another 4 effing months for the registration code to come in the effing snail mail.  EMAIL PEOPLE.  If you're going to let bureaucracy run your life at least do it efficiently.

Please know that if there was another bank in this country that I could use, I would. I will never reccomend your services to anyone I know unless I hate them and want them to suffer needlessly for months on end without access to cash or the ability to pay their own effing rent.

sincerely,
Jessie (a very dissatisfied customer)